In the spring of 2008 I signed a form and walked off the base at Ft. Drum, once again a civilian. Truth is I missed it almost immediately. But after 5yrs and two deployments I felt it was the best thing for my family that had sacrificed so much along with me.
In the months that followed I started to experience signs of PTSD. They were relatively mild compared to others but certainly struggled with a heightened sense of alertness, nightmares and rage. The rage was hard for me...I had to watch the look in my families eyes when I, "went off." For the record I never even came close to hurting one of them and the rage was never directed at them. These rage events were more then just an emotional outburst these events were also accompanied by physical symptoms, heart racing, blurred vision and shortness of breath.
Near the end of 2008 I was also dealing with a serious back injury and uncontrollable pain. After dealing with the VA, which can be frustrating, the "events" became more common until one day I really lost it. I was at the VA clinic trying to get answers for my back and I was forced to deal with a less then friendly Physicians Assistant, who treated me very rudely. This was the breaking point for me. As I walked out of the office she made a smart comment and I calmly but sarcastically shot back a comment to her. Things escalated and soon we were standing there shouting at each other. One of the VA Reps grabbed my arm and took me to the front of the lobby to talk to me. He was trying to be kind I should add. When he asked what was wrong I started to explain and then it happened. The rage came out. I don't remember much about the conversation until I had an almost out of body experience. All I remember is the gentleman asking me, "Have you been tested for PTSD?" I remember standing in the lobby yelling to the top of my lungs, "I DONT HAVE F$@*& PTSD!!!!!!!" I knew at that moment with all these people standing around looking, I needed help.
Shortly there after I entered a new program that used writing as a way to deal with PTSD. I don't know if the program ever took off but it sure helped me. I was one of the first case studies. So today I am going to use writing again to express my feelings and hopefully bring me some healing and maybe some others as well. This will be the most open and detailed I have ever been about some of the things I have seen over seas, some of which I have not even told my family. It will be real. It will be raw but I am just baring my soul and giving you a peak into what men and women like me have seen and what we feel even after all these years.
The recent attacks on Paris opened many wounds for me. When I turned on the TV and started to watch the news a "rage event" started to boil. After throwing out some choice words and looking at my shocked children's faces (profanity isn't allowed in our home), I realized I needed to leave the room and calm down. Over the coming days the shock of the attack changed from how to deal with ISIS to what to do with all the Syrian refugees. I have seen every side of the spectrum from bomb the Middle East back to the stone age to people reciting the quote from the Statue of Liberty...."bring me your tired....". Anything from I wouldn't even take a 3yr old orphan to your not a Christian if you don't just open your doors to everyone.
Not surprisingly, I had an opinion that rankled the feeling of some and was lauded by others. My wife and I disagreed as I did with friends and family alike. I tried to strike a middle ground where we vetted the men thoroughly while bringing in the women and children. Some people said the vetting process was too long and could take up to two years. I thought that was ridiculous when you realize the average American soldier that has served the last 10 years has probably come close to double that away from family. Then a female suicide bomber blew herself up while resisting arrest as one of the conspirators. So clearly we can't just let all the women in. How do we go about doing this? Well I have changed my stance. I realize it won't be popular. I will probably be considered Islamaphobic, un-Christian and uncaring. That is fine I will live with those but before you stop reading, listen to someone who has a perspective that most will not have and see if there is any wisdom in what I write.
I love kids. I hate to see them suffer. When we first got into Iraq I wanted to give them all candy. food, soccer balls and money. It didn't take long for me realize this new opportunity to mingle with children would bring me some of my greatest heartbreaks.
On one of my first patrols a young man came up to my truck and communicated through broken English he had Pepsi for sale. I quickly grabbed a couple of bucks from my wallet and gave them to him and he ran away excited by his sale. Two days later we came back and I had my eyes open for this little boy. I finally saw him standing far off and he had casts on both arms. We found out later his arms were broken for selling US Soldiers, Pepsi's.
My unit quickly transitioned to Abu Gharib a place you may remember because of the well documented abuse of Iraqi prisoners at the hands of their American captors. Those worthless soldiers cost the life of many good soldiers by inciting the region against us. They should have been given much harsher punishments than they received. While patrolling this region we were under constant attack from IED's. Our mission was to prevent IED's and capture or kill those placing or making them.
During our time in that region we traveled down this one road past many little family farms. We would stop and talk to the locals often in front of this one particular farm. Kids would always gather to get candy and toys that were sent from home. It was amazing to me even at the young ages how awful the boys would be to the young girls. There were two sisters that lived at the farm and they were about the age of my daughter back home. The first time I tried to give them something they ran away and I laughed thinking they were shy or afraid of me. The next time I realized why they ran away. The boys would immediately descend upon them and hit them and steal whatever they had been given. The older sister would try to defend her younger sister but to no avail. They would end up running for their safety dodging fists and stones the whole way. I finally got smart to this and would throw candy in a place the boys would all run to and while they were busy fighting each other I would give the girls an MRE and tell them to run and eat it before the boys found out. This went on for several weeks.
One night while laying in my bed we got a notice to come to the headquarters for a briefing on that nights raid. As I looked at the map I realized we would be raiding the home of the little girls I had tried to look out for. I remember pulling up to the house and being one of the first soldiers through the door. At that point training just kicks in. Smash down or through the door, clear the fatal funnel, take up your position, depending on where you were in the stack going in, and under no circumstances do you ever stop in the fatal funnel! When I got through the door one of the first things I witnessed was that little girl staring at me terrified as I came in and pointed my weapon and yelled at her father to get on the floor. The look on her face of broken trust, confusion and then terror as we dragged her father outside will never leave me.
As the rest of the soldiers searched the farm for evidence of IED's I went and sat down under a palm tree to pull security and cry. I am not ashamed to say I tried not to bawl.
A few weeks later while on patrol a mother walked up to me and tried to express that her baby was sick. This child was more then sick, it was blind and deaf. It would just lay there in her arms and moan. I called over our medic, Doc Jackson, and he tried to act like there was something he could do but I am pretty sure all he did was give the baby something to make it sleep and give the mother a little bit of peace. Once again I stood near my truck doing my best to not bawl as the mother walked away. I will never forget the moaning of that child that would never see, never hear and was headed for an almost unimaginable life in that part of he world with no resources for the handicapped.
When I left for my first deployment I prayed and asked God, not for my safety but, "if I must die please don't let it be on a Holiday, so that day will be ruined for my children forever and please don't let me kill any children or women." That was a really the prayer I prayed as the 747 left Ft. Drum.
On Dec 24th 2004 I was part of a group of soldiers that was guarding a communications tower in Baghdad. Around 9:30PM a shot rang out and, as it turned out it was an accidental discharge by an Iraqi soldier. My good friend Ryan Decker was standing near the Iraqi soldier and immediately started to read him the riot act. When he was done he came down and I remember saying to him, "I am not nearly as worried about getting killed by an insurgent as I am these idiots." We laughed neither of us knowing what would happen just 25 minutes later.
At 9:55PM a large fuel tanker pulled onto the road adjacent to the facility we were guarding. I want to say the road was about 75 yards from where we were standing. Ryan turned to me and said, "that is unusual to see a tanker out this late." There was a 10PM curfew and no one was allowed on the road. I will never forget the face of the man as he looked out the window at what was probably 18 American and Iraqi soldiers. I knew in my heart something was wrong but I just had nothing that I could positively identify as a threat. I wish to God now I had shot. I could make that shot from that distance any day of the week but I didn't... Less then a minute later there was a loud explosion and the instant heat and light almost blinded you. I turned to look in the direction of the explosion to see a fireball rolling towards me. I turned to find cover and when I did my shirt came up and I could feel the intense heat from the explosion probably 500yds away. The suicide bomber had detonated his truck in front of the Jordanian Embassy. The embassy was badly burned but no lives lost, the other side of the road was very different.
In the house across the road lived a man with a wife and 6 daughters. I don't know their ages but I know one was an infant. The man of the house was not home at the time but I am sure he wished he had been. His wife and 6 daughters burned alive in that fire and there was nothing we could do. I remember myself and two other soldiers were the first ones on the seen. It was heart breaking and devastation. Although I personally didn't hear it, other soldiers reported you could hear the screams and cry of a little baby in the rubble. When the husband and father came home he was inconsolable. I remember walking back to the relative security of our post and all I could say was. "why didn't you shoot? And F@#*& this place!! From that day on the sound of a crying baby is almost more then I can handle. Several years later while laying in the ER due to a kidney stone a baby in the next space over started to cry in pain. She just kept crying. The nurse came in and saw me sobbing and figured I must be in severe pain. She left to get me more drugs. The pain of the kidney stone didn't compare to what I was feeling in my heart.
Christmas Eve has never been the same for me. I always think back to that night. I wish I would have taken the shot even though I realize it would have probably cost me my life, had the truck detonated when it was close. I may have been badly burned and wished I had died. I would have given my life for those 6 girls and God knows it is true. For several years I couldn't sleep the night before Christmas but it wasn't excitement. When ignorant, not always bad, people ask, "Did you kill anyone over there?" These are the first people I think of.
Why am I telling you all this and how does it apply to the Syrian refugees?
The first reason is because I have seen many, not surprisingly, soldiers saying don't let the Syrian refugees in. At a minimum serious vetting needs to take place but it is more then that. We have seen this culture up close and personal. We have also seen those that are "extremist" and what they are capable of and are willing to do. I have seen people post its our, "Christian duty" to take in the refugees. When I hear someone say, "you don't care about the children I want to read them the stories I wrote above, ones that I had to stop at least 4 times while writing to wipe away tears, and then I want to tell them your misguided human compassion is what will ultimately bring death to many innocent children. I have read and heard from those that have never seen the true face of war, telling us, "I am not afraid," as they type from their smart phone or laptop in their comfortable home, while their children sit safely in a school or around their feet. It may be time for people to start listening to what those of us have seen and experienced in that culture. Lets be honest if politicians had listened to the military ISIS wouldn't even have gotten off the ground.
I understand that not all Muslims or followers of Islam are bad. I have worked beside and even lived beside some that are as true blue American as any of us. I have seen some die fighting for their country and its new found freedoms. I had several Muslims in Michigan that I would consider friends. We often hear of two categories, the extremist and the moderates. I would argue there is a third category and that would be the back-slidden. We use this term in Christianity for people that have effectively walked away from the faith, but still consider themselves a follower of Islam. I would consider them to be like a Catholic that goes to church on Easter and Christmas but faith means little to them apart from recognizing it in their past, nor does it have effect on their everyday lives. I would argue the US can not afford to bring in Extremists or Moderate followers of Islam. This may seem harsh but let me explain from a few perspectives.
Our culture is not compatible with theirs nor will they ever be. I have yet to talk to someone who is advocating for the acceptance of Syrian Refugees, that has been able to answer this one simple question. Will the refugees assimilate to our culture or will they be allowed to continue theirs? Of course that is almost blaspheme in the United States and the answer is usually something like this. "It would be un-American to not allow them to practice their culture here and force them to change to ours." If you find yourself thinking this way please pay close attention to what I say next.
One of the heinous aspects of the Muslim culture is its treatment of women. I would argue that moderate Muslims still espouse to the teachings of the Koran that allow honor killings, stoning's and even rape. If you think I am crazy I personally know soldiers that have listened to women, little girls and boys being raped but were not able to do anything about it. In the past few months there was a case of a US Green Beret that tried to assist a little boy that was being repeatedly raped. SFC Charles Martland was potentially facing disciplinary measures for beating up the pedophile. My one experience with even "moderate Muslims" has shown me a serious lack of respect of even common decency for Muslim women.
In November 2004 I had one of my more terrifying situations during my deployment. With the new found freedom in the country more and more citizens were able to afford vehicles thus putting a strain on their fuel supplies. There would be long lines and waits for gas because of so many new cars. For about a week we had to police these lines because, big surprise they would turn violent. Instead of being excited and appreciative of their new found freedom they would fight and quarrel to get gas first. I can tell you it is nothing like what you see in America and Europe when there are catastrophes that bring people together.
The fuel lines were not working that day and nerves were tense. Once the fuel delivery came and the pumps were working we began to allow the people to come forward to fill up their tanks and 5 gal jugs. There were 4 of us directing the fuel disbursement and the rest of the platoon was pulling security. I motioned to the ladies to come forward first and it started an all most immediate riot. Men started to push the woman and hit them. Men forced women they didn't even know to carry two or three 5 gallon jugs for them. The men finally got so mad they started to push forward and I was certain this would be it. I figured I was either going to die for trying to show the women respect or I was going to end up on the news for gunning down a mob. I was back to back with 3 other soldiers. At one point they had pressed in so hard that I could barely raise my weapon. At that point I told Lieutenant Calderon I was about to open fire. I switched my selector switch to fire and at the very last moment SFC Bass brought the rest of the platoon in to break things up. To this day I hate being in a crowd and started a twitch that has never went away. Now its kind of a joke and my son Jason will do it just to get a rise out of me. To this day if you walk up and touch me on the back and I don't see you coming I will jump. Then after I know your there I will jump every time you touch my back. We laugh about it now but it wasn't funny then.
My point is that massive violence almost broke out over treating women with dignity and respect. Why do you think you see so many pictures of single able bodied men as refugees? Its because they don't care about the women. I know pictures can be deceiving as each side tries to show their side of the case but think about this.
When the Titanic went down the rule was women and children first to be saved off the ship. In America and other countries, that value women, they and children are the first to be saved. Ask yourself this. Why are any men coming as refugees? If there are 30,000 refugees coming to the US, and 8,000 of them are men I can't think of anything more disgusting. Those 8,000 men represent 8,000 women or children that could be saved. So again I ask you. If we are allowing these refugees in are they going to assimilate to our way of treating women or not? The answer is no and that doesn't even address the fact of how many are coming here with evil intentions.
Some will try to use the argument I am afraid and this is letting the terrorist actually win. That is preposterous and may I add disingenuous to those that have already faced moderate and extremists on their turf. Is it fear or wisdom that causes me to lock my door at night if I live in an area with high crime? Is it fear or wisdom to pay for insurance for my vehicle in case of an accident? Is it fear or wisdom to put additional security at our schools because of the rash of violence we have suffered there? Is it fear or wisdom to put safe guards in many areas of our lives so as not to reap great harm? The idea that fear is winning is laughable and only ignorant people would actually say that. When it is your children laying on the floor of the restaurant or being mercilessly murdered or blown up let me know how your fear theory works out for you. Our cultures without assimilation can not and will never blend. The fact is they can't even blend with themselves over seas.
Finally its not that the financial costs are to great, we just don't have the money. I know I will get hung the most for mentioning money but hear me out. Can you in good conscience give money to refugees when you have children starving in your own country? Can you give money when you have countless homeless veterans? How can you slash the budget for our military veterans by $1.4 Billion and to spend billions on refugees? Even more confusing is how do you pay for this when the country is borrowing $4 billion dollars a day.
The idea that we are a rich country is a fallacy. We may have what appears to be wealth but we are teetering on the brink of collapse. We are servants to our masters the Chinese, that to this point, ironically haven't taken any refugees. What we are doing by taking in refugees is giving money that we don't even have. How do you commit billions of dollars when you will have to go borrow it? For those of you that are Christians and believe in paying tithe that would be like living it up during the week and still borrowing for your fun and needs then borrowing more to pay your 10%. When will we wake up in this country and realize if we continue down this road we will no longer be great and a help to anyone. If non profit organizations want to take the lead and respond to these needs then by all means raise as much as you can but expecting our government to give out more handouts is fiscally and morally irresponsible. Maybe that is what some want a nation that is no longer great. For me I know the world is better off when the US is truly great. I believe in helping and frankly we do. We are the most generous nation in the history of the world but at some point we must strengthen ourselves, even if that means we have to say no at times.
We often hear talk about the other nations in the Middle East bringing stability and taking responsibility for that region. Now is the time for the powers in the Middle East to step up and if they won't take their own doesn't that alone say something about that culture and religion.
